I should do more.

Over the last few years I’ve heard the phrase, “I should being doing more,” more times than I’d be willing to count. It seems to be the response I get most often when I tell someone that I’m not feeling okay. My response is always a half-hearted “it’s fine” or “there’s not much you can do, it’s my issue”. The only problem is that I don’t believe it, so I’m not sure how they are meant to take it.

Honestly, the thing I need the most when I’m not okay is your attention – yeah I know, always looking for some attention, but sometimes having someone actually be there, rather than say they want to do more and then disappear is the most valuable thing in the world. There is no worse feeling than telling someone you aren’t okay and them ignore you, it feels as though they don’t care what happens to you. I’ve been a pretty severe case when it comes to this, because sometimes I tell others I need help and when I don’t get any I don’t know what else to do, this usually leads to a suicide attempt and a day or two in hospital, followed by an argument with my psych team to keep me out of the in-patient hospital. When I say I need help, all I want is a 10 minute phone call or someone to come hug me. It really is the little things that help people with depression – surprise me, tell me something meaningful and mostly importantly be present.

Back at the beginning of 2015 I did a therapy course in emotional intensity with STEPPS. Emotional intensity is the term they used to describe people who either don’t qualify for Borderline Personality Disorder by only displaying some traits or those who hadn’t been fully diagnosed. I was fully diagnosed at the time however they allowed me on the course and I’m very glad they did as I learnt a lot about who I am, how I behave and what I can do for myself when there isn’t anyone around to help me.

The course describes the disorder as:

“Levels of emotional intensity which may cause difficulties, could include some of the following feelings, thoughts or behaviours. The difficulties might affect you relationships, how you view yourself, how you experience various moods, or whether you can control urges to act impulsively.” – STEPPS

They list the following nine points which in some way or another really have an impact on my life.

• Fear or worry that someone important in your life is tired of you or planning to leave you. You may go to extremes to keep someone from leaving you.
  • I have such an issue with this, I really struggle to be by myself. I hate my own company and would much prefer to have someone beside me, even if we don’t say a word, it’s comforting to have them there. I used to buy my friends lots of presents on a constant basis, in an attempt to keep them around me. I’ve got better with this, I know that people should want to spend time with me based on who I am as a person, not how much money I can spend on them, (also my bank account isn’t the happiest with me at the moment.)
• Unstable and stormy relationships and friendships because of quickly changing your opinions about others, such as thinking someone is completely wonderful, and just as quickly deciding they are the worst person you’ve ever known.
  • I really work to not change my opinion of people so quickly, and while they do change I’m very reluctant to forgive people. If I get hurt I will hold onto it.
• Frequent or extreme changes in how you see yourself, such as shifting from feeling confident about how you are to being very unsure of who you are, or what your goals and values are.
  • This course helped me so much with this problem and although I do still change my opinion of myself I think I’m gaining an understanding of who I am, what morals I live by and what I want to achieve in life.
• Being impulsive and engaging in risky behaviours (like risky sexual behaviour, using drugs or alcohol, driving recklessly, etc) without thinking of the consequences.
  • Again, I am so much better with this than I have been before. I have had such a problem with risky behaviour and I don’t think there is anything of the list they provided that I hadn’t had an issue with. I’ve worked on my drinking and now only drink for enjoyment rather than coping, which was a really big achievement. I still struggle with spending money recklessly, although I am much better than I was before. I know that the bills and rent have to be a big priority, I need to think about the future and start saving but there’s something about a new toy that makes me feel so much better.
• Feeling very sad and/or hopeless, purposely doing something to injury yourself, or making a suicide attempt.
  • It’s been four months since I last attempted suicide or self harmed. With some really positive changes in my life I really hope that in a few months I will be says it’s been six months and then a year and eventually I won’t have to fight so hard to stop myself. But for now, I am super proud of myself.
• Experiencing very rapid mood changes several times a day, often going from feeling depressed to normal to angry or anxious very quickly. Minor events seem to cause major shifts in mood.
  • Minor events cause such big problems in my life, because I get really upset, and no one seems to understand why. I wish I could explain in a way that people without this condition could understand. You’ve stopped talking to me without saying goodbye because you’re having dinner but my brain tells me that you hate me and I’ll never hear from you again. My teddy bear going missing and to you we can find it in the morning but to me he needs to be found now, because I’ve been too careless and always lose things, because I’m useless. Such little things have huge impacts on my mood and how I’m doing. If everyone that knew me took a little more time to understand how much this bothers me I’d really appreciate it.
• Feeling very empty.
  • It’s a strange feeling not knowing what is going on in our own body. Sometimes I have periods where I just feel empty, as if there is nothing. This is the scariest feeling for me, I’d much rather feel depressed. This feeling of emptiness is dangerous, because this is when I forget there is a future, I forget the consequences and sometimes I attempt suicide without really needing to.
• Temper outbursts or problems with anger leading to relationship problems, physically hurting other people, or breaking things.
  • I’ve never really had a problem with anger, I’m the type of person that will blame myself for issues or turn emotional if I’m getting angry.
• When you are stressed, feeling paranoid or distrustful of people you usually trust. Having brief blackouts or periods of time when you forget what has happened.
  • I suffer with this a lot, please don’t freak out if it happens while you are around me. I will be okay!

“Another way to think about BPD is that it is a disorder of emotional regulation. Those who suffer from this disorder experience very intense emotions and have difficulty regulating them. Some people have suggested that we call this disorder Emotional Intensity Disorder (EID). This disorder is extremely painful for the persons who have it and for those who live with and care about them.” – STEPPS

Every week we would go away with a small list of tasks to think about and complete before the next session, almost like homework and very far into the course we received a ‘Encouraging Exercise’ which I gave to my mum to complete. It asks the respondent to answer the following statements:

• What I like about you is:
• Your strengths and good qualities are:
•  I appreciate:

My mum wrote some lovely things in this form, as did the parents, partners and children of the other girls on the course. Reading the few sentences my mum wrote about me really does make a difference so if anyone else would like to leave me one that would be greatly appreciated and I recommend anyone do this with their friends for something wonderful to read on your bad days.

Sometimes I also hear “what can I do to help”, I don’t like this either. It always feels like a trap. They want me to tell them, and they do want to help, but they want a quick fix and that really doesn’t exist. I want to ask for what I need – “come over and hug me until I forget and fall asleep” or quite often “don’t leave me alone”. If I actually ask there is two outcomes, they either drop everything and I feel guilty, which doesn’t make me feel any better or they say no. Either way I don’t win and neither do they, which is why I’ve stopped asking.

Having been diagnosed with Asperger’s at the beginning of this year, on top of the previous three million other conditions they’ve labelled me with I’ve begun to recognise the symptoms of this condition that make my depression worse. During an eight week course of cognitive analytic therapy my counsellor identified that she had suspicions about the diagnosis and following the test, it was confirmed. It’s helped me identify issues I have such a recognising what people mean through messages and even sometimes face to face, I need things to be explained fully to me, please don’t be vague. Tell me everything, explain what is going on in your head, let me understand because otherwise I will worry and read into everything that has been said. Worry is one of the worse things that really impacts my depression, I don’t like to worry, I can’t relax, I can’t enjoy things.

I really believe that these disorders do not have to ruin your life. As long as I’m learning and making sure I speak up things will always get better, and they have dramatically in the last few months. All the changes and new things in my life are really helping me and for the first time I’m looking forward to a bright future.

 

 

Sophie

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