You.

I took the time to explain. Because I haven’t in the past to others but I felt like I could trust you. I told you how I always end up on my own. That no one ever stays. You were kind to me so I trusted you with my deepest, darkest fear. How wrong was I.

You told me “you’re amazing, just don’t forget it. When you’re feeling low. Read our messages, they will remind you what the world really thinks.” So this is me doing that. I think I feel worse than when I started.

I listened to your promises. “My pinky promise is I won’t turn my back on you.” You made me feel safe, you made me believe you with phrases like “let me be your sword.” It’s funny how looking back you it feels like that sword is the thing that hurt me the most.

I did everything I could to support you. To listen when you needed and help you when I could. When I reached out for help, I was left waiting while I wasn’t even a second thought.

You slowly became more distant but not before getting intimate with me. And it was only when I asked about your distancing behaviour that you were the “open and honest” person you claimed so hard to be. After days if not weeks of being distanced. It was happening all over again.

It was at the point you told me that you worried about getting close to me and losing me that I knew it was all talk at the beginning. That promises are easy to make but very had to back up. I didn’t blame you. Not a bit. You were naive. But you weren’t the first person to feel this way.

I was back to being alone and struggling on my own. Everything became cold. There was no hope again. When you reached out to check on me you made it sound like you’d done me a favour by backing away.

“Literally all I ever wanted for you was to see you happy and enjoying life.” I pretended that was the case like I wasn’t tearing myself apart inside. I’m not happy. I’m not enjoying life. I just haven’t found a way to end everything yet. There’s a difference.

You left to protect yourself. And I would never blame you for that. But don’t pretend it’s was a selfless act to save me. You could have supported me though this because all I crave when I’m sad is to be held and told things are going to be okay. Maybe I didn’t communicate that right, but would it really have made a difference?

You did not make the decision to pull away from me to help me, you just didn’t.

I thought we could one day be friends. That I could forget so that I could at least have you in my life. But this was where I began to hate you. Even talking like friends came back to sex and I’m left wondering what I meant or didn’t as I now think. Why 6 months of knowing each other didn’t matter as long as you could joke about the sex. That I meant nothing more than a few happy endings.

Next time, maybe I’ll be a little less gullible. I’ll “shield” myself.