I’ve always felt unimportant. A side in someone else’s show.
Being in my own company is something I’ve tried to avoid at all costs and having a crippling fear of abandonment I will do everything in my power to keep people in my life.
As a child I really struggled to hold on to friends. I was always part of a small group of people, many of which moved away while I was young. As I changed schools I got into damaging friendships and after that I never really wanted to invest my time in others but that only leads to loneliness which I couldn’t cope with.
At uni I was overwhelmed by new people and friendships as well starting a relationship that became very serious far too quickly. It was that at that point that I wasn’t alone. Ever! There was always someone around and I loved it.
Having had so many people leave my life I did everything in my power to keep them there. Food, drinks, nights out and presents. Late night favours and giving up my time for them. I completely lost myself to keep others around me and they knew it! They took complete advantage of me, spending my money and abusing my time for their own self gain. I still loved it. I didn’t have to be alone and I knew that as long as I served a purpose to them that they wouldn’t want to leave me.
The knock this has on your self esteem when you wake up and realise this isn’t the way friendships work is unreal. My personality isn’t enough. I am not enough.
When I started getting diagnosed with various conditions Borderline Personality Disorder was thrown about a few times. I started a therapy course to help me deal with this condition and I could identify these behaviours as they happened. This didn’t help though, instead of buying presents I began to push people away to avoid the inevitable abandonment. If I could get there first I wouldn’t hurt as much. Only I did, and then had to scramble to get these people back. After a few times of repeating this cycle I couldn’t claw back my friendships and they ended.
I fell back into letting people use me because I could afford to if it meant I had someone to come home to, someone to spend time with and someone who was present in my life. But again people chose to leave and at the moment it’s left me with very little social life left. It’s horrible being lonely and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
My life is one of extremes. Either I have a life full of people, but I buy them. My time and money keeps them around. Or I am lonely. Waiting for the slot I get in my loved ones lives. Counting down to the small bit of time I don’t have to spend on my own.
Spending my time focused on me is the choice I’ve made. While I wish I could have it all I know it’s always going to be difficult to manage my fear of abandonment. In order to look after myself I am no longer willing to invest in my time into people that will misuse it. I won’t be holding on to friendships that don’t value me. I’m not willing to waste money on anyone other than me. If someone isn’t willing to make me a priority in their life and make me feel as though I’m wanted I don’t need them.
Each day I learn to enjoy my own company more and more. I am worth something and I refuse to be made to feel anything less. I want the best for me.
This is the year I make my hopes and dreams come true. By myself if that’s what it takes.
Soph
x
bladesbeatsandbpd 