Making positive changes.

So for the last few months I have been the most positive I think I’ve ever been in my life and it’s literally bouncing out of me.

I’ve made so many changes to my life including sleeping a lot more than before, a lot of exercise (sorry to any friends that hate me for says my this but I actually like the gym), a better diet with much less takeaway and so much more time out in the sunshine.

Ever since I was diagnosed I was told that all these changes would make me better but I’ve never been able to make them stick. Now I’ve started them I don’t think I’ll ever turn back.

No matter how much people supported and pushed me to feel better it took a lot of internal thinking, self support and courage to even think about changing my life. I took a hard look at where I was and what I wanted to achieve and that there was so much more than I could be doing. Over the next few months I will be launching my own business as well as progressing in my current role and living some of my biggest dreams.

There is literally nothing that could stop me now.

Soph x

Being the best Sophie I can be!

Yesterday when strolling through Instagram my ex’s new girlfriend was shown on my suggested pages and seeing him in one of their pictures together I couldn’t help but think back to when we were together.

We had a great relationship until I began to suffer with a downhill in my depression and thinking about it now that was probably the reason he broke up with me on our anniversary telling me that he couldn’t support me but still wanted to be friends.

Inevitably I couldn’t cope with the idea that we would go from a relationship to friends just like that and I stopped talking to him. He has strung me along for weeks before eventually making it clear that he didn’t want and relationship on our one year anniversary and he hurt me enough for me to attempt suicide. But it turns out it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

During the beginning of our relationship we supported each other, pushed each other to achieve our goals and spoilt each other with endless adventures. Within the last three months of our relationship my attempts to love and support him became one way and we barely saw each other because he couldn’t make time for me. Throughout the relationship I wasted money on taking James on adventures to engage in his hobbies like a £700 VIP trip to Manchester United to see a game. For Christmas he bragged about how cheap he got my presents on eBay with one of them never turning up.

As soon as I no longer had this person to spoil I realised how much my episode had been caused by the lack of care I had put into myself. James knew I was struggling with my breakdown and instead of helping me he withdrew from the relationship and drew out a relationship he didn’t want. He abandoned me to pull myself back up alone.

Without someone to support me I taught myself to be completely self supported. I have focused so hard over the last year and a half on improving myself and living the best Sophie I can. I excelled in my career and continue to live a happier, healthier, more active and stable life. I’m never going to stop spoiling the important people around me but I know now that I always need to be the priority because not everyone you trust will be there when you need them.

I have also reconnected with a lot of people I’d lost from my life and I have made endless precious memories following my own passions, projects and hobbies recently with lots of big exciting plans for the next few years already set out and I cannot wait to see what else I get to look forward to.

So this is a thank you to James Ball for pushing me away, for breaking my heart and showing me that I didn’t need you. I will never forget the good memories we shared because for 9 months we had the most fun and endless laughs but that doesn’t mean you were good for me. You’ve helped me towards a fantastic life that keeps me excited about me every single day.

Soph x

If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes

So after a long day at work and a trip to the gym, when you’re looking to unwind there are a number of options. Old Sophie from 4-5 years old would have used alcohol or food but Sophie of yesterday decided a bath was the best plan. Now when I do baths I go all out. There’s candles and bath bombs, bubbles and most importantly music.

Amazon Prime do a collection of playlists that I enjoy because they are regularly changed and updated so there is always a variety of music on there. Last night I chose classic R&B and Soul for work. Now as I don’t go about belting Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder or bop around to the Theme from Shaft by Isaac Hayes in the middle of my very professional and business focused office I kept this playlist for bathtime.

It was when If You Don’t Know Me By Now by Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes started playing that my thoughts went back to my last long term relationship. There was nothing I could do to stop the thoughts, no matter how hard I tried because ultimately that song summed up the reasons why I should have given up on him a few months before he walked out on me.

“All the things we’ve been through,

you should understand me,

like I understand you.”

When our relationship started I was very clear about my illness, my past issues and the problems I have in my daily life, I’ve had people walk out of my life so many times since being diagnosed so I didn’t want it to be become a problem later in our relationship. Unlike me he didn’t do the last, some eight months into our relationship he started telling me about his dreams and nightmares over his ex. He became distant over these issues and never let me know what was going on. I suspect this was the reason he ended things with me but they should have been the signals that I would never really know him. The person he pretended to be was the person I fell in love with, not the one who kept his feelings from me.

I constantly told him my thoughts, feelings, worries and although he listened he never made the effort to understand. He would listen but after hearing a story about his crazy ex girlfriend I always worried I would be portrayed the same. Had our relationship been meant to last he would have made an effort, like I did.

“We all got our funny moods,

I got mine,

woman, you got yours too.”

When I have an episode I try to remove myself from others, but I would always explain that I didn’t want to upset anyone else and wanted to be by myself. When he was in a funny mood I was completely shut out. I would call and receive no answer, I would worry to no end. I cared.

“Just trust in me,

like I trust in you.”

I trusted him, I trusted him with my happiest and my well-being and he let me down. He had no trust in me to be there for him which is why even when things were good he was still distant. I let him into my life completely, he knew my family and shared some of my important memories such as my mums 50th birthday. Even when trying to end things with me I trusted him to be clear with me, which he wasn’t which led me to mistake the brake up twice and on our one year anniversary he completely broke me in order to end things.

“Just get yourself together,

or we might as well say good-bye.”

I should have said goodbye a few months before it ended. At Christmas he bragged about the cheapness of his presents, I wasn’t invited to meet his friends, I was lucky to see him once a month in the early months of 2017. I was his time filler, I would buy him adventures and he would buy himself more time without me. And since I’ve not put myself in relationships like this, my man will look after me. He will know me.

“If you don’t know me by now,

you’ll never, never, never know me.”

After so many months he didn’t know me, and he never would no matter how much I held on. I held on too long, but I’ve learnt.

Soph

x

Don’t Put The Blame On Me.

As adverts keep popping up about a new 13 Reasons Why, I cast my thoughts about the people that have caused and led me to attempt suicide.

I really disagree with the idea of the program because it’s advertised as a program to start the discussion about mental health and suicide which don’t get me wrong is absolutely fantastic, but no one can force you to attempt suicide is solely your decision. By the definition of suicide it is intentionally causing your own death. On top of this is that if you feel the pain and hurt to such an extent that you go through with an attempt on your life, successfully or not, you shouldn’t wish to cause more hurt to others which could be caused if you share tapes giving the details of all the people who played a part in your unhappiness like shown in the show.

Don’t get me wrong there is so many points in the series that massive signs show that she needs help and she doesn’t get it and that is something we a society need to start looking out for because no one should ever feel they have no choice but to commit suicide to end the pain they feel. There should always be some form of help, from a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to all the way up to a hospital bed where you can be safe.

As anyone that reads my blog or knows me well will already know I’ve attempted suicide and I’ve done it more than once. All these attempts have been at a point in my life when things weren’t fantastic and people around me knew it. I gave so many massive signs that I wasn’t doing well, it was a huge cry for help that I desperately needed but never got. The people that could have been there for me knew I needed help and failed to offer it or abandoned me at a point in my life where they knew I was unstable. Looking back there are three main people that I blame for my suicide attempts, I’m not going to name them because I much like the story behind 13 Reasons Why I only know my side of the story and I don’t know theirs.

They were all very important men in my life that I loved, not all romantically but they were men I needed and trusted. These people failed me on the nights I ended up in hospital having my wrists bandaged and on fluids and/or stomach pumped for overdoses.

All three of these have since left my life, and even months and years after these people no longer playing a part in my life I have horrible nightmares involving them. I think it revolves around the amount of my life I’ve spent with them and the constant reminders I see and hear daily but I’ve failed to remove. These include a a Manchester United shirt and scarf, a Harry Potter necklace, the song Luna by Bombay Bicycle Club and a plastic horse. While I deeply wish these people could have been stronger people and hadn’t chosen to ignore my warning calls I have no hate for them because at one point in my life I enjoyed their personality and company. Regardless of this no matter how they feel they cannot change the hurt they caused me, they do not get to change the pain I felt because of them and having lived through that myself I do everything in my power to stop others from feeling that way.

If anyone EVER needs support I will always endeavour to be there for them, regardless of who they are. I make sure I put others first and always want to exceed all expectations they have of me because it would kill be to think that someone would ever think of committing suicide because I didn’t do enough.

No One to Turn to.

When you feel sad it’s nice to think there’s someone that you want to come and hold you, comfort you until things feel better. They’ll hold you so tight, making you feel completely safe as if there is nothing in this world that could hurt you ever again. Feeling like home.
If you’re lucky this person will be someone that is able to drop everything and be there under any circumstance. You’ll be the most important thing in the world to them and nothing will get in the way of their ability to help you feel better and even if they couldn’t they’d be around.

I long for this person. I always have and up until recently I thought I had found them. But what’s worse is having someone that says they will be there, receiving the endless promises of support and love only to in return get the excuses when you reach out and ask for that help.

The feeling of being alone is awful. But when you need someone to help you and you don’t receive that help nothing feels as soul destroying. You’re not even worth their time, you’re not the most important thing to them.

What happens when you don’t have anyone in your life to be this person. What happens when you don’t actually have anyone at all? Well, you learn to be that person for yourself. You rely on no one and you quickly isolate yourself in a dark place. If I could give one piece of advice for someone promising love and support, it would be to actually mean it, because you don’t know how much your support will help.

Soph

x

Holding On.

I took a look back today and it hurt like hell. It’s hard not to think about people that left your life but if you’ve got abandonment issues it’s one million times worse when you do.

Many of the people that have left me behind have done so with no reason at all, leaving me to think that it’s just because I’m not worth spending time with. As much as you work on those feelings and build yourself back up, the next person leaving is like a brick being pulled out from the bottom of a wall and everything else coming tumbling with it.
I lost the most incredible friend when my last breakup took place and I’ve craved for it back for some time but I know I shouldn’t. I know I deserve better than someone who isn’t going to give me their love and attention. The heartbreaking part of my look back was seeing how well they are coping without me. I’m easily replaceable and meant very little to them.

I know I shouldn’t keep holding on. I’ve learnt that lesson already. I just don’t know how to listen to myself. That’s the lesson I need to learn. And I will, with each person that abandons me I learn that I’m a stronger, more cabable person who is beginning to love spending time with herself and becoming braver than she ever imagined.

Sophie

x

I feel a fool.

I’ve always felt either too much or not enough. Felt too much over something so small or completely empty, numb to the world.

I’m going through phases of feeling like this. Waking up feeling that nothing matters. That I could die today and have everything carry on around me, without me. And then the smallest sight reminding me of how much has changed, what I’ve been left without and going full circle when I remember how empty my life has become.

But right now, sitting here on my bed, cuddled up with my bear all I can think about is how much of a fool I’ve been. A fool for believing that anything good ever stays. A fool for not seeing the abandonment coming. I hate myself so much for believing that some things don’t have to end.

I know that feeling numb is dangerous, it leaves me in a place in my head where there are no consequences but at least I don’t have to feel like no matter how much time, effort, love I give to others I’m always so easy to leave behind.
Soph

x

Art.

I’ve always loved art. Painting or sewing, dying and cutting. It was something I was going to pursue at university but when you think about your future it’s always the sensible choice of sciences that win. They give you career stability that arts just don’t offer for the majority of students. There are those fantastically skilled individuals who fly to increadible countries and experience their arts in ways no one else could imagine. They’re dancing or designing, starting an unimaginable career that they completely deserve. But some of those desperate to pursue arts struggle for a long time. Never getting the chance to have those highs in life or simply just aren’t good enough.

At 18 ready to start university I knew that my passion wasn’t enough and my skill lacked what others had. I was ready for the stable career that maths offered. It wasn’t until very late in my third year I sat down and painted with my housemate.

I wasn’t well at this point, although I hadn’t fully come to terms with it. This was possibly my favourite day of the whole university experience. Creating something beautiful out of such simple colours. We had such fun.

As I’ve fallen further and further into the depression that I was struggling with then I’ve fallen in love more and more with painting. With forgetting the world around me and creating something beautiful.

I continue to look for an art class or art therapy to join but for now I can enjoy my time creating something I can share with others.

My Etsy shop with my art for sale can be found here:

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/SGWArt

Soph

x

Watch me fall apart.

The thing with depression is that despite wanting to be better and having all the support in the world, sometimes it’s just not enough. It’s not a choice to just be better and not something others can just fix for you. It’s a condition that you have to manage day to day and when things are bad all you can ask from others is for support.

The bit the kills me everytime is seeing the impact my illness has on others. Watching your friends and family coping badly, knowing that they don’t want to see you like this. 

Hearing that they can’t cope with you like this or watching them cry. There’s nothing you can do to end this cycle of unhappiness. You can’t just be better and they can’t stop worrying about you. There’s nothing worse than having them walk out on you when your actions are irrational and knowing they don’t want to spent time with you because it’s difficult to see you in such a state. Losing all your closest friends because they don’t want to put themselves through the hurt that you cause them. 

This is part of the reason I don’t ask for help. Why let everyone know that you’re struggling when you’re only going to end up with guilt and more sadness. If no one knows you’re depressed, then no one one has to has to watch me as I fall apart. 

I’ve spent a little while thinking of a positive to end this thought with, but as of yet I can’t think of one. I know that knowing me, being around me, caring for me is difficult but I’d like to think that for all the suffering I put people through I make up for in other ways. I will always work to show the people in my life that I appreciate them, taking them on trips to make them happy and showing my love for them in as many ways as I can.

For I will always be thankful for those that stay around.
Soph

xx

Overcoming abandonment.

I’ve always felt unimportant. A side in someone else’s show. 

Being in my own company is something I’ve tried to avoid at all costs and having a crippling fear of abandonment I will do everything in my power to keep people in my life.

As a child I really struggled to hold on to friends. I was always part of a small group of people, many of which moved away while I was young. As I changed schools I got into damaging friendships and after that I never really wanted to invest my time in others but that only leads to loneliness which I couldn’t cope with. 

At uni I was overwhelmed by new people and friendships as well starting a relationship that became very serious far too quickly. It was that at that point that I wasn’t alone. Ever! There was always someone around and I loved it.

Having had so many people leave my life I did everything in my power to keep them there. Food, drinks, nights out and presents. Late night favours and giving up my time for them. I completely lost myself to keep others around me and they knew it! They took complete advantage of me, spending my money and abusing my time for their own self gain. I still loved it. I didn’t have to be alone and I knew that as long as I served a purpose to them that they wouldn’t want to leave me. 

The knock this has on your self esteem when you wake up and realise this isn’t the way friendships work is unreal. My personality isn’t enough. I am not enough. 

When I started getting diagnosed with various conditions Borderline Personality Disorder was thrown about a few times. I started a therapy course to help me deal with this condition and I could identify these behaviours as they happened. This didn’t help though, instead of buying presents I began to push people away to avoid the inevitable abandonment. If I could get there first I wouldn’t hurt as much. Only I did, and then had to scramble to get these people back. After a few times of repeating this cycle I couldn’t claw back my friendships and they ended. 

I fell back into letting people use me because I could afford to if it meant I had someone to come home to, someone to spend time with and someone who was present in my life. But again people chose to leave and at the moment it’s left me with very little social life left. It’s horrible being lonely and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

My life is one of extremes. Either I have a life full of people, but I buy them. My time and money keeps them around. Or I am lonely. Waiting for the slot I get in my loved ones lives. Counting down to the small bit of time I don’t have to spend on my own. 
Spending my time focused on me is the choice I’ve made. While I wish I could have it all I know it’s always going to be difficult to manage my fear of abandonment. In order to look after myself I am no longer willing to invest in my time into people that will misuse it. I won’t be holding on to friendships that don’t value me. I’m not willing to waste money on anyone other than me. If someone isn’t willing to make me a priority in their life and make me feel as though I’m wanted I don’t need them. 

Each day I learn to enjoy my own company more and more. I am worth something and I refuse to be made to feel anything less. I want the best for me.

This is the year I make my hopes and dreams come true. By myself if that’s what it takes.
Soph

x