Missing you.

It’s nearly 1am and I can’t sleep. Thoughts have been racing through my head since I got into bed. It’s been the first week back at work since my suicide attempt that not many people know about. It’s not been a hard week at work as I’ve just accepted a new job in finance and am currently working my notice but with late shifts and early mornings my body clock is so confused. 

Another fun new experience this week has been a return of my nightmares. My nightmares are always centred around Tom, Josh or Becca. They were the closest friends I made while at uni, the boys being the housemate’s I was given in my first year and the latter a wonderfully smart girl on my course who soon became involved with Josh. We had the best few years but when my mental health became a problem they struggled to understand. While Tom held on another year he eventually too couldn’t deal with me and my unstable impact on others and blocked me from his life as if I could just be erased. I’ve still not fully managed to deal with this and having nightmares, like this week’s that leave me truly terrified. Sometimes waking up in the night fearing they might hunt me down and attack me. On the worse nights i hide a knife by the side of my bed to protect myself. Upon reflection I know this is my paranoia and sometimes delusional brain playing tricks on me, but I haven’t really processed the last few years on my life properly.

I think sometime soon I will post a story of my time with these guys, what happened and have a reflect but tonight isn’t the time for that.

I loved every minute with those and even after losing some of them tried to regain them as my life wasn’t as good without them. Now with no contact at all I’ve been forced to move on and it’s left me that little bit more broken. Time heals all wounds and although I spend a lot of time wishing I could have it all again I know I can’t. 

I’ve made it though a lot and this week accepting a new job that will take my life in a better direction is a positive step.
Sophie

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