Don’t Put The Blame On Me.

As adverts keep popping up about a new 13 Reasons Why, I cast my thoughts about the people that have caused and led me to attempt suicide.

I really disagree with the idea of the program because it’s advertised as a program to start the discussion about mental health and suicide which don’t get me wrong is absolutely fantastic, but no one can force you to attempt suicide is solely your decision. By the definition of suicide it is intentionally causing your own death. On top of this is that if you feel the pain and hurt to such an extent that you go through with an attempt on your life, successfully or not, you shouldn’t wish to cause more hurt to others which could be caused if you share tapes giving the details of all the people who played a part in your unhappiness like shown in the show.

Don’t get me wrong there is so many points in the series that massive signs show that she needs help and she doesn’t get it and that is something we a society need to start looking out for because no one should ever feel they have no choice but to commit suicide to end the pain they feel. There should always be some form of help, from a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to all the way up to a hospital bed where you can be safe.

As anyone that reads my blog or knows me well will already know I’ve attempted suicide and I’ve done it more than once. All these attempts have been at a point in my life when things weren’t fantastic and people around me knew it. I gave so many massive signs that I wasn’t doing well, it was a huge cry for help that I desperately needed but never got. The people that could have been there for me knew I needed help and failed to offer it or abandoned me at a point in my life where they knew I was unstable. Looking back there are three main people that I blame for my suicide attempts, I’m not going to name them because I much like the story behind 13 Reasons Why I only know my side of the story and I don’t know theirs.

They were all very important men in my life that I loved, not all romantically but they were men I needed and trusted. These people failed me on the nights I ended up in hospital having my wrists bandaged and on fluids and/or stomach pumped for overdoses.

All three of these have since left my life, and even months and years after these people no longer playing a part in my life I have horrible nightmares involving them. I think it revolves around the amount of my life I’ve spent with them and the constant reminders I see and hear daily but I’ve failed to remove. These include a a Manchester United shirt and scarf, a Harry Potter necklace, the song Luna by Bombay Bicycle Club and a plastic horse. While I deeply wish these people could have been stronger people and hadn’t chosen to ignore my warning calls I have no hate for them because at one point in my life I enjoyed their personality and company. Regardless of this no matter how they feel they cannot change the hurt they caused me, they do not get to change the pain I felt because of them and having lived through that myself I do everything in my power to stop others from feeling that way.

If anyone EVER needs support I will always endeavour to be there for them, regardless of who they are. I make sure I put others first and always want to exceed all expectations they have of me because it would kill be to think that someone would ever think of committing suicide because I didn’t do enough.