I feel a fool.

I’ve always felt either too much or not enough. Felt too much over something so small or completely empty, numb to the world.

I’m going through phases of feeling like this. Waking up feeling that nothing matters. That I could die today and have everything carry on around me, without me. And then the smallest sight reminding me of how much has changed, what I’ve been left without and going full circle when I remember how empty my life has become.

But right now, sitting here on my bed, cuddled up with my bear all I can think about is how much of a fool I’ve been. A fool for believing that anything good ever stays. A fool for not seeing the abandonment coming. I hate myself so much for believing that some things don’t have to end.

I know that feeling numb is dangerous, it leaves me in a place in my head where there are no consequences but at least I don’t have to feel like no matter how much time, effort, love I give to others I’m always so easy to leave behind.
Soph

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